Begin With Me
by NeverMessWithTeddyBears
Summary: 'I love you.' Louisa writes on his palm with her finger. 'I love you.' Isaac writes back.


**Begin With Me**

* * *

He feels himself bumping into someone. He knows it's not a _something_ since he's had his fair share of hitting street signs and lamps and walls and what nots since he lost his eyes. The someone he hit was a living, breathing, moving collection of cells that formed a human being.

He hears something falling before: "Will you _watch_ where you're going?"

A female collection of cells.

"I kind of _can't_.", he replies. The lack of vision denies him the possibility of seeing the look on her face as she notices the walking stick and oversized sunglasses.

"Although that was probably a really bad choice of words on my side,", she says, voice unwavering. "I still do not take blame for this incident because _you_ bumped into _me_.", she finishes.

He nods. "Alright."

He considers she probably nodded, because she stays silent for a second before she quickly adds. "Goodbye, then."

He hears her slowly walking away. He'd go after her, but she could've gone in any direction, so he settles for calling after her and hoping she's within hearing distance.

"What's your name?", he asks and almost loses all hope before she replies.

"Louisa.", he can hear her come closer.

"Hello, Louisa.", he says. "I'm Isaac.", carefully, he takes a step forward. "And I would like to apologise for bumping into you by taking you out for coffee."

He imagines Louisa folding her arms in front of her. "How do you know if I'm hot?"

He laughs. Louisa probably shakes her head. He doesn't know if she actually does that, but Isaac imagines that she does. He likes imagining things; imagining his mother frowning as she's scolding him for playing video games all day, imagining his younger brother's devilish smirk as he commands Max Mayhem to kill himself, imagining a smile on Hazel's face as she says "it's Support Group Hazel, not the devil's spawn of your ex-girlfriend".

So, as far as Isaac's concerned, Louisa shakes her head and tries really hard not to giggle as he - a super hot guy, mind you - flirts with her. Or, well, attempts to.

"Describe yourself to me."

"Hm, lets see. I'm seventeen, about a head shorter than you. My hair is cut like really extra short and dyed every color of the rainbow. I also have fifteen piercings, and that's just on my face.", she's messing with him.

Isaac laughs. "That's _so_ hot."

"Totally hot.", she responds.

He becomes bold and reaches out his hand. Luckily, it ends up in her hair (_God, he hopes it's her hair_) and he notices that it's long like whoa. "What color is it?"

"Red."

He nods. "I like your voice.", she doesn't respond - or doesn't know how to respond because it's not usual for a guy you've just met to tell you he likes your voice but it's not like he can say that he likes her smile or her eyes when her can't see her smile or her eyes - so he puts his hand down and smiles. "How about that coffee?"

She says nothing but grabs his hand, and they go.

* * *

He manages to make her laugh and get her number and he even manages not to make a complete fool of himself by, like, spilling coffee over his shirt or something. God knows it wouldn't be the first time.

Halfway through their date (_yes, he calls it a date_), he tells her about his eyes.

"I had eye cancer.", he says. She stays silent. "First I lost one of my eyes and I thought that was it. And I was okay with that, you know. Because I can live with just one eye. It's just like people live without a kidney. But about a year and a half ago, the cancer came back and took the other fucker, too."

In his head, she's drawing patterns on the table with her hand as she uses the other to bring the coffee to her mouth. She never looks away from him.

"Just don't go all Daredevil on me, and we'll be fine." is what she says after a few moments of silence.

Isaac concludes that he made a good choice by asking Louisa out for coffee.

* * *

They're in his living room playing video games for the blind.

It's about two weeks since they had coffee and they talked and/or hung out pretty much every day since then and he's learned that he did good by bumping into her that day.

He still hasn't kissed her, though.

It's not that he doesn't want to. He does. He likes Louisa - like really really really likes - and, man, does he want to kiss her.

But he just can't. He can't because he can't see her. He doesn't know where she's standing (_okay, she's sitting right next to him but that's not the point right now_) and he doesn't know which direction she's facing and he doesn't even know if she wants him to kiss her because he. can't. fucking. see.

If he wants to kiss someone, there has to be this whole build-up to it. He has to know where she is and he needs to cup her cheeks and brush his thumb over his lips so he'd know where they are and he could kiss her, yes, but even then there's a chance that he might end up missing her mouth and that'd just be embarrassing.

But, the point is, it'd take time. It'd take a lot of time and he can't risk that because during that time she'd have time to change hee mind and pull away because she doesn't have to handle a blind boyfriend.

"Louisa?"

Come on, Isaac. You can do this. Just say it; _Louisa, can I kiss you? I really really want to kiss you? So, could you just, um, point me to the direction of your mouth? I want to kiss y_-

"Yeah, Isaac?"

_Louisa, take my hand so I'd know where you are because I'd like to kiss you._

Isaac pauses. "Thanks for coming.", he says instead.

* * *

A week later, he thinks "_fuck it_".

"Louisa.", he calls out and reaches out his hand, trying to find hers. She connects their fingers. He takes his other hand to her other one and then goes up slowly from her palm to her shoulder and puts his hand in her hair. With the other, he cups her cheek and then lightly puts his forehead to hers. Their noses are touching and, God, he's so close to her he can feel her eyes closing.

He takes that as his cue. "I'm gonna kiss you now, alright?"

She nods.

He kisses her.

(_God, it feels so good._)

* * *

After Augustus died, Hazel became his best and only friend. At support group, they sit next to each other and still talk with sighs.

"It's Hazel.", she says as she approaches him. "Not your lame excuse of an ex.", he imagines her smirking. "I'm totally hotter than her, anyway."

Isaac laughs. "Hi, Hazel.", he hugs her in greeting. "I met this girl, Louisa.", he tells her and he just knows that Hazel smiles. "But don't get happy yet, Hazel Grace.", he says. "She's picking me up after support group and you" - man, he hopes he's pointing in her direction - "need to tell me if she's as hot as I think."

Hazel bumps him in the shoulder. "She still won't be hotter than me.", she adds after she stops laughing.

Then, they sit down to hear Patrick's ball-cancer story for the billionth time.

He sighs.

Hazel sighs back.

* * *

"Well, it's been nice meeting you, Louisa.", Hazel says as Isaac hears Mrs. Lancaster pull up next to them with her car.

"The pleasure was all mine, Hazel.", Louisa replies, probably smiling. Louisa is the smiling type. He likes that about her.

(_Sometimes, as she smiles, he lightly traces her face with his fingers. He wants to know how her face feels like when she's smiling._)

Hazel hugs him goodbye. "I'll call you later, Isaac.", she says before she softly whispers "_she's totally hot_" in his ear.

Isaac laughs. "Thanks, Hazel."

"You're still going with me to see Augustus on Friday, right?", Hazel asks him and there's a sad tone in her voice.

"Of course, Hazel. Just pick me up like always.", he replies.

As Hazel leaves, Louisa takes his hand into hers. "Augustus?"

"Augustus Waters was Hazel's love of her life.", he replies and there's no exaggerating in his voice. Louisa leans her head on his shoulder. "And my best friend."

A pause.

"He was really into metaphors."

Another pause.

"He's dead."

(One more pause.

"That's not a metaphor.")

* * *

'_I love you._' Louisa writes on his palm with her finger.

'_I love you._' Isaac writes back.

This, he decides, is better than "_always_".

* * *

Thirty-two visits to Augustus' grave later, Isaac gets a call at four in the morning on a Monday.

He knows what happened.

All he can hear on the other side of the call is Hazel's mother sobbing and her father crying.

(all that's going through his head is _it can't be it can't be she's not dead she's not dead she's my only friend she can't be dead I hate this I hate this I hate this why can't I just fucking die too_)

The call lasts for twelve minutes. He then calls Louisa. She picks up on the fourth ring.

"Isaac?"

"My only friend just died and I can't even fucking cry."

He ends the call.

* * *

Louisa helps him down the stairs to support group. He's determined not to take the elevator for as long as he has to come and "_share his feelings_".

"Do you see it, Louisa? The_ Literal Heart of Jesus_?", he asks bitterly.

Louisa ignores him and helps him to a chair. "I'll be by the stairs if you need me, alright?"

"You don't hav-"

"I _want_ to, Isaac.", she cuts him off. He nods.

As Patrick starts his story of how he lost his balls, Isaac sighs.

Hazel doesn't sigh back.

Suddenly, Isaac gets up and throws the chair to the floor. "Fuck this, fuck this, fuck everything.", he starts yelling and he can hear Augustus in his head saying "_no swearing in the Literal Heart of Jesus_" and he just wishes he was in Augustus' room where he could break another dozen trophies because he can't cry he can't fucking cry.

His best friends are dead and he can't cry.

"I hate this I hate everything why the fuck am I here I just want t-"

The rest gets lost in Louisa's hair as she hugs him tight.

"Hey, Isaac. Isaac, listen to me, listen. _Hey_. It's gonna be alright. Everything's gonna be alright. _Shh_. Just listen to me. I love you. I love you, I love you, _I love you_.", she whispers and yells and whispers again and she's crying but he can't cry because he doesn't have eyes and fuck he just wants to cry.

He calms down slowly and Louisa picks up his chair so he can sit down. This time, she takes a seat on a chair next to him.

Patrick finishes his ball-cancer story and they all go around in circles saying their name, age, diagnosis and how they're feeling.

Isaac stays silent and Louisa speaks instead.

"I'm Louisa. Seventeen. I don't have cancer but my boyfriend did and now he can't see and his best friends are dead because of cancer and he can't cry because he doesn't have eyes so he's acting like a little bitch, but I guess he has every right to.", she says. "It probably sucks. It _definitely_ sucks."

"Is there anything you would like to say, Isaac?", Patrick asks and Isaac can feel the pity.

Isaac laughs. "My girlfriend just called me a little bitch."

Louisa laughs with him and buries her head in his shoulder.

* * *

Louisa helps him to the podium where he's supposed to say a few words as Hazel eulogy. He's holding papers he won't need in one hand and his phone in the other.

(Louisa already put a pack of cigarettes in Hazel's casket. "For Augustus.", Isaac whispered.)

He keeps the eulogy short but sincere and it's the first time in a long time that he's actually glad that he's blind because he doesn't have to look at Mr. and Mrs. Lancaster.

He talks about Hazel; about how she loved Augustus and _An Imperial Affliction_ and shows like ANTM which she made him sit down and watch with her (_although he could only listen but, he says, Hazel described everything and he could imagine it so vividly_). That's the least he could do, he says, he did make her play video games for the blind almost every other day. He also talked about how she hated support group, but went anyway and how she never ever took the elevator because him and her were strong and they could take the damn stairs even if it was the last thing they did and he tells then how Hazel helped him not to trip and fall over air and make himself look stupid.

He talks a bit more and ends the eulogy with a sighs.

Hazel doesn't sigh back.

It takes all the strength he has left and Louisa holding his hand to help him not to break. Instead, he takes his phone and gives it to Louisa, who presses play.

(_Isaac could smell the whisky in the air. Van Houten was here._)

* * *

"_Eulogy for Hazel Grace written by Augustus Waters and read by Isaac because, you know, Augustus isn't suffering from life-hood anymore. He's on a rollercoaster that only goes up, my friend._

_'Van Houten, I'm a good person but a shitty writer..._'"

* * *

"What's this?", Louisa asks, taking the book from his hands. "'_An Imperial Affliction_'. Hazel's favorite, right?"

Isaac nods. "She was reading it to me. A chapter a day.", he pauses. "She never finished."

Louisa gives him a kiss on the lips and there's a moment of silence before he speaks up again as he holds her hand in his.

"Read to me?", he asks.

Louisa continues where Hazel left off.

* * *

'_I love you._' Louisa traces on his palm and whispers in his ear and yells through laughter.

'_I love you._' he traces back and whispers into her hair and shouts at the top of his lungs.

He can't see, but he can _say_.

(This, he decides, is their "_okay_". It doesn't have to last forever but, by God, it will last.)


End file.
